Mordor Tours Inc
by zebrowskisXchewchew
Summary: The RedEye Co. offers tours to many of Middle-earth's most sinster dwellings. Now, with the cooperation of White Hand Enterprises, even more evil destinations await you! Formerly the fortress of the most elite of Dark Lords, Mordor is now open to tourism!
1. The Welcoming Party

**Mordor Tours Inc.**

**The Fangirls of the Ring**

**Prologue**

Addie was excited; she was on an overcrowded plane the size of a small SUV, which smelt like wed mud and sweat, wobbling through the air and trembling fitfully as it struggled to remain airborne. Her fellow passengers were terrified, if not by the now dangerously swaying plane, then by the snarling voice which erupted sporadically from the cockpit. It also just happened to be the happiest day in her life, so Addie was willing to overlook the horrible conditions, which in the light of her excitement, seemed little more than small inconveniences. The three hours crammed into a seat, crouching more than sitting thanks to the dilapidated state of her chair, had not phased her.

When the plane landed, skidding forward uncertainly for a moment before stopping abruptly with a loud _crunch_, she was the first out of her seat. The other passengers glanced around nervously before following her lead, confused even more by the garbled message that came over a set of loudspeakers which had been clumsily positioned around the cabin.

"We have arrived at our destination," a gravelly voice hissed. "Welcome to Mordor, Land of Shadow, home of the Eye. The current time is… dark. Thank you for flying with Fell Airlines." A screech cut off the end of the message and the menacing flight attendants, who looked suspiciously goblin-like, began rounding everyone towards the doors. A pasty green Orc, smaller than the burly flight attendants, was shoving pamphlets into the passengers hands.

"Here," snarled the green flight attendant, forcing a grubby pamphlet into her hands, before she was suddenly ejected from the plane, landing face-down in the black dirt. Addie jumped up quickly, just in time to move as the next passenger was shoved off after her. Looking around, she noticed many people rubbing sore spots and brushing black, sandy dirt from their clothes. Orodruin was visible in the distance and a quick look at the environment confirmed the pilot's words; it _was_dark, almost Apocalyptically dark.

A shriek sounded from behind suddenly, and the group turned as a whole to spy out the source of the noise. A small brunette was gasping, a thrilled expression plastered on her face. Her look of absolute enchantment faded, however, when she took a huge breath of the sulfurous air and promptly began choking. Turning her attention away from the choking tourist, Addie inspected the paper that the disgruntled Orc had handed her.

**Mordor Tours Inc.**

_The _RedEye Co. _offers tours to many of Middle-earth's most sinister dwellings, from Angmar to Umbar. And now, with the cooperation of _White Hand Enterprises_, even more evil destinations await you! __Formerly the fortress of the most elite of Dark Lords, Mordor, along with many other menacing places, have become open to tourism. These _Tours of Evil™_ will encompass the following EVIL! Places:_

_Barad-dûr_

_Orodruin_

_Mordor_

_Dead Marshes_

_Minas Morgul_

_Dol Guldur_

_Dunharrow_

_Isengard_

_Misty Mountains_

_Barrow-downs_

_Angmar_

_Umbar_

_Near Harad_

_These horrifying destinations, as well as some surprise _Tours of Evil™_ to be hosted by _Mordor Tours Inc.'s _surprise guest, are all part of _Mordor Tours Inc.'s _new tour package, _Tours of Evil™: Non-fatal Edition_. __This is your chance to tremble in awe of Middle-earth's greatest power, while paying Him to be allowed the honor, and to create what will become memorable, if slightly traumatizing, life memories._

_NOTE: Mordor Inc's 'Tours of Evil™: Non-fatal Edition' may be fatal to those who incur the wrath of the Dark Lord in any way/shape/form_

Sighing blissfully, Addie followed the group of tourists, all gathered into one large crowd, facing the ominous Black Gates. It didn't take long for the remaining passengers to be forcefully ejected from the plane (once they had actually seen their destination and it's larger quantity of Orcs, many of them had tried to remain on the plane). Once they were removed, a loud creaking erupted from nearby. Everyone turned to gawk at the Black Gates, from which a large assembly of mounted warriors poured forth.

Addie had successfully forced her way to the front of the group, which was rather easy, because most of them were doing the sensible thing and backing away. Once she was close enough to recognize the leader of the large assembly, she clasped her hands together in bliss and adopted an awed expression.

The figure himself, however, seemed immensely less enthusiastic as he stopped before the now cowering tourists, Addie being the exception; she was looking as though Elvis had suddenly materialized in front of her. Sighing, the figure set on his face a look of steely determination (which would have been more effective if his face had been visible) and spoke.

"My master, Sauron the Great, bids thee welcome." Although these words were completely devoid of any emotion aside from forced enthusiasm and were delivered in a deadpan voice, Addie could not contain the squeal of delight that escaped her. Her face was glowing with happiness.

She continued to exude contentment as the now slightly more frightened tourists began to follow the Mouth of Sauron through the Black Gates, giving impressed sighs as they passed through into Mordor. The giant Gates creaked shut once more and immediately the cracking of whips began, followed by the encouraging screech, "Move it, maggots!"

**1 - The Welcoming Party**

It was a typical day in the shadows of Mordor - Orcs were growling, minions were serving, Dark Lords were brooding, and people were suffering. Among those suffering was Addie, self-proclaimed fangirl of evil. It wasn't because of the whip-wielding Orcs at her back, or even the mounted host that encircled the tiny group of tourists - Addie was suffering because she couldn't _see_anything. The exhausted tourists around her and the horses and their riders blocked everything but the black sky from view. She had tried once or twice to climb up on one of the horses, hoping that the added height would allow her to see the Mouth of Sauron, the leader of the sinister company. After managing to cling to the saddle for a few moments, Addie's dreams were crushed when the rider, who looked suspiciously goblin-like, painfully deposited her back into the crowd of panting travelers.

There was a garbled shout and the party halted. Many of the tourists collapsed where they stood, too tired to be afraid. Addie, who had just barely managed to avoid being flattened by the stomping horses, was nearly knocked over by a large Orc who was carrying a dirty looking leathery thing. He promptly shoved the leathery item into the hands of a dark haired girl. She took it, holding it with reverence as the guy next to her rolled his eyes and turned away. Seeing that others who had been given similar items were drinking from them (after being threatened into doing so and with various looks of disgust at the taste, but she ignored that), she approached them.

"Hey, can I have some of that-"

"No! This is mine, the Orc gave it to me!" Startled, Addie prepared to back away.

"Don't worry about her," Extending his hand towards her, the guy smiled politely. "She's an Orc fangirl. No idea how it happened, but it did."

"Oh, okay. Makes sense. What are you a… uh… fan_boy_ of?"

"Evil in general." Raising an eyebrow, Addie inspected him closer. Scrawny and pale with a tuft of red hair, he looked more like the cousin on the _Brady Bunch_ than an evil fanatic.

"Okay then. I'm Addie, Mouth of Sauron fangirl."

"I'm Hendi and this is my step-sister, Emma."

"Hey, aren't you the girl who almost choked to death earlier?" Addie asked cheerfully, recognizing her. Emma glared and after a few uncomfortable moments, Addie looked out over the expanse of black terrain they had covered.

"The stupid tour pamphlet didn't mention anything about all this running. Wonder how far we've gone by now."

"Only about 10 miles. I'd say we're heading for Barad-dûr, which should be about 85 to 90 miles that way." Hendi pointed slightly left of the direction they had been going in, but nothing was visible yet because of the huge mountains surrounding them.

"Wow." Addie praised. "How do you know that? Are you some sort of Super Boy Scout?"

"Nope, I studied up on everything before I left. Didn't want to wander unsuspectingly into the fortress of a powerfully evil Maia knowing nothing about where I was, you know."

"Yeah, sure." Addie looked guiltily around at the rest of the tourists, wondering how many knew as much as Hendi seemed to. She hadn't done anything to prepare for her journey other than packing a couple of outfits - which was redundant, seeing as she hadn't seen anyone even glance at the pile of bags that had been thrown off the plane.

Their conversation was interrupted by another garbled order and just as soon as they'd stopped they were off again, pinned in by the dark mountains.

Gasping and panting they finally arrived at their destination. Hour after hour of mindless trekking through black mountains and they finally stopped outside the doors of the towering, well, tower. Spiky, black, and creepy, it's effect was lost on Addie as she struggled to suck in enough air. Emma lay on the ground beside her, the leathery water skin long forgotten, wheezing. Hendi was in the best shape out of the three of them, but he was still doubled over, coughing. The air in Mordor was much, much hotter than they had expected and they were still miles from Mount Doom.

With a disdainful tsk at the state of the party, the Mouth of Sauron took his place at the front, standing dramatically in front of the black doors.

"Welcome to Barad-dûr, fortress of Sauron, Lord of Middle-earth." Maybe it was the proximity of his master that made the Mouth more eager, or maybe he was just glad the trip was over, but more fervor had been injected into this one sentence than they had heard the entire time. Addie labored to keep him in sight and breath at the same time, too worn out to even squeal. The doors began to open just as she pulled herself from the ground and, with the help of Hendi, managed to get Emma through the entrance.

"This is a cheat!" Someone complained. "No air-conditioning?" The heat outside was more concentrated inside, but it got cooler the farther down they went.

"I bet this was all a hoax," Emma scowled, stumbling as they trudged over the uneven floors farther and farther down. "We're headed for the torture chamber or something else equally horrible."

"We have already passed the torture chamber," A mocking voice informed them and the Mouth of Sauron swept up from behind them. Addie shoved Hendi out of the way, taking his place closer to the Mouth. "But we haven't gone far - if you'd like-"

"No thanks!" Emma assured him in a high-pitched tone of voice just as Addie replied, "Yes, please!"

"No, no." Hendi said, taking Addie by the shoulders and attempting to move her away. "She's mental, ignore her."

"I'm not mental, you jerk, get off-" Picking herself up off the floor, Addie met eyes with the Orc she had run into. Large and fanged with mottled skin, she was less afraid of it than the oversized machete it was wielding.

"Oops." Smiling amiably, she felt Hendi grab the back of her shirt and pull her back into the safety of the group. Emma was looking at the Orcs with an expression of admiration.

"I _told_you you're mental." Hendi hissed. Addie's side of the argument was interrupted by a loud growl. Not having noticed the Orcs arrival during their fight, they were surprised to see two of them standing on either side of another set of doors. The Mouth of Sauron had disappeared, presumably behind the doors.

Addie rushed impatiently through them once they had opened enough to admit her, followed hurriedly by Hendi and his sister. Allowing her eyes time to adjust to the light, it took her longer than usual to recognize her surroundings, but going by the horrified gasps of the others, it was no where good. Blinking rapidly she finally took in the features of the room she had previously been so impatient to enter.

"_No bloody way_."

* * *

This has taken _FOREVER_. I think I started this in the middle of last year and I just now finished the first chapter. I still think it's a little short but I did cut off a part I had meant to include to save for chapter 2, resulting in a sorta cliffhanger. I wrote about 80% of this all within the last 10 hours (cause I'm a slacker and couldn't pay attention, plus I woke up at 3 PM), so I haven't had time to brood over it for the usual week or so. Please forgive any errors, I type too fast when I have ideas, and extra letters sometimes make their way in. No idea when the next one will be posted because it'll depend on the response to this chapter. I have everything planned out generally speaking, even including a possible sequel, so plotline and things aren't a problem, but I'd like to know it isn't a waste of time.

I know not everyone likes to review, so I won't ask you to, but if you do, awesome. Any ides or suggestions, no matter what they are, are welcome and encouraged.


	2. A Shadow from the Past

**Mordor Tours Inc.**

**The Fangirls of the Ring**

**2 - A Shadow from the Past**

"Wow." Addie looked around the new room, impressed. Admittedly, it isn't very hard to impress her in the first place, but even Hendi was looking slightly awed. The set up was a little too 'Hogwarts' - the black and red banners and long tables in particular - but her mind didn't focus on the décor for long. Holding open either door was an Orc, carrying large, heavy-looking weapons, each of which was adorned with red and black ribbons. One Orc in particular seemed to be suffering from the frilly additions - the hand that held the be-ribboned weapon twitched every so often. The tourists skittered around the Orcs as a whole and into the room nervously, taking seats at one of three tables.

After she had successfully scuttled past the Orcs herself, Addie took the opportunity to glance up and down the black table at the front of the room. There was Saruman, shaking what looked like a Magic 8 Ball furiously, the Witch-King, who was glaring (presumably - it was hard to tell) at the tourists as they sat -with a squee of delight, she spotted the Mouth, seated next to an empty, yet imposing, spiked throne. There was another throne, a duplicate of the first, but subtly smaller, and Addie wondered vaguely who it was meant for.

Just as her thoughts began to wander, a loud screech caught her off guard. Jumping, Addie looked wildly around. Three or four Nazgûl were roaming the aisles, cloaked in the usual tattered black robes, but now with matching tattered red bowties. The Nazgûl that had startled Addie shook a tray of what she assumed was food at her threateningly, hissing.

"Uh, no thanks?" She sighed as the Nazgûl swept off to terrorize others with it's tray.

"_Nazgûl waiters_?" Hendi asked in outrage, looking around for someone to blame. "That isn't evil, that's stupid!"

"Well, I think they're cute." Emma replied. Her brother turned to her and glared, apparently too cross to speak, then whipped around to face Addie from across the table.

"Addie, you think it's an abomination, don't you?"

"I think I'm still mad at you for calling me mental."

"Oh, come on-" Screams (and a few very unmanly shrieks) erupted as darkness suddenly fell. There was a flash of light, a malicious cackle, and slowly, light flooded back into the room. The screams didn't stop with the return of the light - people were yelling louder than ever now, but with good reason. An evil looking figure, clothed completely in black armor, now stood in front of the black table.

Maybe it was the bored expressions of the villains seated at the table, or the five minutes of dramatic and evil posing they endured, but by the time Sauron spoke, much of the terror had faded.

"Prisoners of Mordor!" Addie winced as she felt the terror level spike. "You have foolishly allowed yourself to be led into Mordor, domain of the Eye-"

"Ahem." All eyes turned to a dark corner where a previously unseen woman was standing. With a severe look on her face, she tapped a pen against her clipboard, glaring at the Dark Lord. "Stick to the script." Glaring back as evilly as he could (which was quite evilly) Sauron drew himself up to his full height and crossed his arms petulantly.

"As the owner of the RedEye Company, I am legally bound to welcome you to Tours of Evil™: Non-fatal Edition. I am also legally bound to warn you that there will be no refunds if any deaths that _do_ occur." Sauron seemed to think this was a perfectly good note to end on, as he swept evilly around the table to take his place in the slightly larger throne.

The remaining Nazgûl entered, and Addie watched in amusement as they glided around, hissing angrily and dumping large platters of food on the tables.

Leaning forward to examine a plate, she found what looked like a twitching blackened squirrel (at least, it had the same shape that a charred squirrel might have). Grimacing, she quickly pushed it farther down the table. Emma had closed her eyes and was trying not to breath, while Hendi was poking curiously at some of the grislier looking dishes.

"Is this alive?" He asked, scooting a plate closer to Addie for inspection. "Cause I think it moved a minute ago."

"I have no idea, but I wouldn't eat it even if it were dead. I don't think that would improve it any." She looked up and down the table, trying to find something that might be edible - she had never been athletic and a spur of the moment jog through Mordor had made her the slightest bit hungry. "I wonder who cooked this anyways."

"Orcs, probably. I think they're the only creatures in existence that could make _this_." He gestured towards the 'food' that was scooting towards the edge of his plate. He whacked it sharply with his fork, but it was persistent in it's bid for freedom.

Addie was considering the health risks of picking at some of the less spiky cuisine when the meal was interrupted by a loud cry of "Minions!" All eyes turned once again to Sauron, who had taken up his post in front of the black table. While he had simply looked apathetic before, the Dark Lord was now in full Evil Mode; a red eyed, darkly shadowed figure who, despite a backdrop of uninterested evil-doers, terrified the weary tourists. The woman in the corner was watching him closely, clipboard at the ready.

"Minions of Mordor!" He repeated, apparently for dramatic effect, as said minions had already jumped to attention. Waving his hands wildly, and with an evil smirk, he continued, "Our guest has arrived."

Cautious applause began, encouraged by the threatening growls and looks from the patrolling Orcs and hissing Nazgûl.

"Who are we clapping for?" Addie muttered. Hendi was clapping too furiously to answer, so Emma responded.

"No idea."

"Oh." She joined in the clapping with more intensity, just in case.

Suddenly she flinched in alarm as something disturbingly prickly brushed against her legs. Fearing some new half-Orc breed of cockroach, she immediately curled her legs up into her seat and looked down. Black and hairy, the thing that had brushed her legs continued feeling it's way along the floor, seemingly looking for someone in particular. Trying to conjure up ideas as to what the thing might be, she blinked in surprise as it pulled back, carrying a human-shaped blur with it. She followed the blur to a dark corner behind the black table.

"No! No, bad Shelob!" An Orc scolded, whacking at a humongous spider. Addie watched as the Orc pried free a frazzled looking man. With one leg coated in spider webs and the spider itself observing from not far away, sulkily chewing on an small goblin in defeat, he made his way back to his place next to Hendi with a traumatized look on his face. Emma squeaked, looking at the arachnid with terror, as she watched Shelob's victim return to the table.

Addie looked up just in time to see a tourist catch fire as the doors opened yet again, with a fiery explosion and an evil laugh. While the flaming tourist was quickly put out by the other occupants of his table, the evil laugh stopped and was replaced by a sudden yelp of fear.

The guest, who was dressed in the standard Dark Lord attire of black and spikes, had made an impressive entrance, despite the burning tourist, and had strode evilly into the room - then he had caught sight of Shelob, chomping viciously on a goblin, screamed, and promptly tripped over his elegant black cape.

"Who let Shelob in here?" Sauron demanded, hiding his amused grin. Looking around, he spotted the Orc closest to the giant spider. "You! It's your fault. Minions, get them out of here!" Shelob was hastily removed, and the Orcs that were left (Shelob had grabbed a few on her way out) closed the doors tightly. Having regained his composure, the guest took his place next to Sauron, who was still trying not to laugh (evilly), and both assumed their very best Dark Lord Glares. Sauron opened his mouth to begin his evil speech, but a sharp noise from the woman with the clipboard cut him off. The Dark Lord, focusing his red-eyed stare on her, gave her a look of pure loathing before beginning.

"Please welcome Mordor Tours Inc.'s special surprise guest," Sauron growled, forcing the words out. "Morgoth, Dark Lord of Angband." Scattered applause followed this announcement, increasing rapidly to a standing ovation when Morgoth fixed the crowd with a glower. While the majority looked confused at the prospect of _two_ Dark Lords, only a handful did not seem surprised.

Sauron's glare followed the mysterious woman as she approached, but both of the Dark Lords retreated behind the table and took their seats. Turning to face the crowd, she held her clipboard in front of herself importantly.

"Welcome to Mordor. I am Ms. Kaye and, due to insurance clauses, I will be responsible for keeping any Dark Lord related fatalities to a minimum. There will be at least one Dark Lord accompanying you on each tour, during which time I will be present to prevent any… accidents." She cast a steely glance towards the extinguished tourist. "Now, here is how these tours will work. Your tour guides will change with each destination to the Middle-earth villain that has the most understanding of the area. Each Place of Evil will have a preplanned 'game' designed to test the evilness of the participant and they _are_ mandatory. To authenticate the experience, all devices not currently existing in Middle-earth will be confiscated. You will be given name-tags that you must wear at all times - evil is too busy to remember who you are. A list of rules will be handed out once you are taken to your rooms, as well as a list of punishments." Ms. Kaye smiled, as if recalling something that pleased her to no end. "Any contact with the Forces of Good or Heroes will result in punishment and immediate expulsion from the remaining tours - _yes_, that means Elves." A murmur of protest grew at this announcement.

"So we won't see any Elves?" A disappointed girl asked.

"Most likely not. You signed up for Tours of Evil™. Elves are not evil. Some of them are jerks, but not evil." Ms. Kaye paused a moment and when no more questions came, she continued. "For those of you who bothered to read the pamphlet," She produced a copy of the pamphlet from her clipboard. "You will have noticed the mention of the surprise Tours of Evil™. These tours will be guided by the Dark Lord Morgoth. The exact details of the tours will remain a surprise. Any more questions?"

"Are we staying in the tower?"

"No," Ms. Kaye smiled again. "You will find out where you are staying once the Orientation is over. Now, are there any questions for out Dark Lords?" She stepped aside so they could both be seen.

"Will the… spider-thing be in the tours?" The man who Shelob had taken a liking to questioned.

"No!" Morgoth shouted vehemently.

"Possibly." Sauron mused, pretending to think it over. "I don't know…" He continued. "I don't see why not."

Just as Morgoth began to retaliate, Hendi's hand shot into the air, but he didn't wait to be called on.

"How did you return to a corporeal form without the Ring?" Another wave of murmurs passed through the crowd and even Ms. Kaye looked at the Dark Lord with interest.

"Magic." Sauron replied haughtily, glowering at Hendi pointedly.

"Magic? But that doesn't-"

"Next question." The Maia demanded. No one responded, either too intimidated or question-less. Hendi didn't even bother raising his hand.

"How did we get here so fast? It should've taken a lot longer to get here."

"That," Ms. Kaye began, "Is because we can't have this tour taking months and years to get through. No, I will not tell you how, so accept it and move on."

"How is Morgoth here? He was imprisoned-"

"No one is authorized to answer non-canon questions." Ms. Kaye interjected. "So knock it off. Anymore questions?" Huffing in anger, Hendi fell silent.

"Who's Morgoth?" Even those who had been pondering the same question turned to watch the speaker in horror. Everyone surrounding him hastily moved away; even the insects hurried away from him, clearly more self-preserving than the foolish tourist.

A silence came over the room in the wake of the Dark Lord's anger. With a sigh, Ms. Kaye stepped to the side just in time to avoid the beginning of a Dark Lord Temper Tantrum.

After a rushed evacuation, a majority of the tourists were unharmed in the wake of Morgoth's outburst. The offender, however, had been thoroughly scolded by Ms. Kaye before being informed that Morgoth had generously offered to educate him in Middle-earth history. He had been led away by a pair of goblins, looking indescribably horrified.

With the Orientation over, the tourists prepared to be led to their rooms. Emma and Addie shuffled tiredly after the group. Hendi walked beside them, energetically enthusing about everything that had happened.

"You know, visually, everything is perfect. But honestly, _magic_? Even if that were true-" Even though she had only known him for a few hours, Addie quickly found that tuning in occasionally to check up on the conversation was the best way to listen to Hendi.

A sudden halt in the procession allowed their straggling group to catch up to the others. Once they had left the tower, the pressing heat had further hindered them, but somehow, it seemed even more unbearable here.

"Of course, you can't just have bloody giant spiders hanging around - What the hell?" Looking up, through the crowd, Addie spotted Ms. Kaye, clipboard at the ready. Behind her, however, was an assortment of shabby looking huts, a horde of Orcs milling around them.

"Everyone listen up!" Ms. Kaye called, waving them forward. "This is the Plateau of Gorgoroth." She waved her hand in a wide arc to include the expanse of barren land in front of them. "And this," She pointed directly at the Orc camp. "Is where you'll be staying. Watch out for the fissures and enjoy." She watched with a satisfied smile as horror came over the tourist's faces.

* * *

I finished the original version at 1:09 AM last weekend. After editing and finishing this chapter, I am finally done at 1:38 AM, six days later. Expect things to be more interesting now. I cannot promise regular updates, cause I'm a flaky, lazy procrastinator. I do have an extraordinary amount of freetime, a sleep deprived mental state, and a summary of every chapter up until 19 or 20, so that should help. If not, my dog (she's great at things like this) and I shall work extra hard to finish this.

On a side note, no idea where the hell Ms. Kaye came from. She reminds me of someone I know, but I didn't intend to have anyone other than the tourists and LotR characters.

And again, any ideas are awesome. I have things planned, not written, so I encourage any suggestions.


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